St. Victor of Python
 
     And it came to pass that Saint Victor was taken from this place
to another place, where he was lain to rest himself amongst sheets
of muslin and velvet.
     And there stroked was he by maidens of the Orient.
     For sixteen days and nights stroked they him, yea verily and
caressed him.
     His hair, ruffled they.  And their fingers rubbethed they in oil
of olives, and ranneth them across all parts of his body for as much
as to soothe him.
     And the soles of his feet licked they.  And the upper parts of
his thigh did they anoint with the balm of forbidden trees.
     And with the teeth of their mouths, nibbled they the pointed
bits at the top of his ears.  Yea verily, and did their tongues
thereof make themselves acquainted with his most secret places.
     For fifteen days and nights did Victor withstand these maidens,
until he cried out, saying:
     "This...is fantastic!  Oh...this is *terrific!!*"
     And the Lord did here the cry of Victor.  And verily came He down
and slew the maidens.  And caused their cottonwool bugs to blow away,
and their Kleenex to be laid waste utterly.
     And Victor, in his anguish, cried out that the Lord was a rotten
bastard.
     So the Lord sent an angel to comfort Victor for the weekend.
     And entered they together the jaccuzzi.
 
   Here endeth the lesson.

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Monty Python's _The_Meaning_Of_Life_ (Monty Python Pictures) Part II
"Growth and Learning" courtesy alt.fan.monty-python.
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Headmaster: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third
     hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh
     Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of 
     Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to 
     Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there 
     slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little 
     pots. Here endeth the lesson.

          [The Headmaster closes the Bible. the Chaplain rises.]

Chaplain: Let us praise God. Oh Lord...

Congregation: Oh Lord...

Chaplain: Oooh you are so big...

Congregation: Oooh you are so big...

Chaplain: So absolutely huge.

Congregation: So AB-solutely huge.

Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.

Chaplain: Forgive Us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying.

Congregation: And barefaced flattery.

Chaplain: But you are so strong and, well, just so super.

Congregation: FAN-tastic.

Headmaster: Amen. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil
     into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the
     cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the
     school but I remind you that it was presented to us by the
     Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day,
     when we try to remember the names of all those from the
     Sudbury area so gallantly gave their lives to keep China
     British. So from now on the cormorant is strictly out of
     bounds. Oh... and Jenkins... apparently your mother died this
     morning. [He turns to the Chaplain.] Chaplain.

   [The congregation rises and the Chaplain leads them in singing.]

Chaplain and Congregation:
     Oh Lord, please don't burn us,
     Don't grill or toast your flock,
     Don't put us on the barbecue,
     Or simmer us in stock,
     Don't braise or bake or boil us,
     Or stir-fry us in a wok...

     Oh please don't lightly poach us,
     Or baste us with hot fat,
     Don't fricassee or roast us,
     Or boil us in a vat,
     And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
     In a Rotissomat...

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Anybody who wants the whole script (or others) e-mail me or check alt.fan.
monty-python.
==========================================================================

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Monty Python's:
"Every Sperm is Sacred" from The Meaning of Life

There are Jews in the world, there are Buddists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then
There are those that follow Mohammad, but
I've never been one of them.
 
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
 
You don't have to be a six footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on,
You're a Catholic the moment Dad "came," because
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
 
Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.
 
Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
 
Hindu, Taoist, Morman,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
 
Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
God needs everybody's,
Mine, and mine, and mine.
 
Let the Pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
 
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
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