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**** The "Buying a Bed" sketch **** **** from "Monty Python's Flying Circus" **** **** Transcribed 5/14/87 by **** **** Jonathan Partington ( JRP1%CAM.PHX%UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF@AC.UK ) **** **** and edited by Bret Shefter ( SHEBREB@YALEVM.BITNET ) 9/5/87 **** Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please. Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you. Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you. Lambert: Mr Verity! Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir? Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds. Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir. Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds? Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. Husband: I see. Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds? Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir. Husband: I see. And how wide is it? Verity: It's sixty feet wide. Husband: Yes... Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet! Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see. Wife: (whispers) Oh. Husband: ...and the length? Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette? Lambert: Ah. Two foot long. Husband: Two foot long? Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: I see, I'm sorry. Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right? Husband: Yes, I see. Verity: That's without the mattress, of course. Husband: How much is that? Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please? Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses! Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right. Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm? Lambert: Dog kennels? Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm. Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor. Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS. Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor. Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that... Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now? Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'. (Lambert puts bucket on his head) Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello? Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'? Husband: Well, yes, er... Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out! Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I? Husband: But I mean, er... Lambert: (muffled) I'm not! Husband: Oh. Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing. Husband: Oh. Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time... Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert? Husband: Yes, I did. (Assistant gives nasty look at Husband) Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green... (Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God... (Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; assistant leaves.) Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*! Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please? Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor. Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see? Lambert: Mattresses? Husband: (relieved) Yes. Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'? Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean... Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'? Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'. (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again) Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet... Assistant: (to Husband) We *did* ask! (duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green... (singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue) Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert? (Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife) Verity: *Twice*! Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*! (joins in the singing) (Organ music swells and they carry on singing) Verity: It's not working, we need more! (The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing) Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you? Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress! (Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife) Wife: But it's my only line!!! *N.B. In the television version it was a paper bag, on the record it was a bucket (better sound effects?) **** end of BED PYTHON 5/14/87 **** To: CLARINET@YALEVM From: JRP1%CAM.PHX%UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF@AC.UK (JRP1%CAM.PHX@UK.AC.CAM.ENG-ICF) Authentic-sender: MAIL01@UK.AC.CAMBRIDGE.ENGINEERING.SERC-ICF

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