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M= Man, A= Arguer, R= Receptionist, P= Abuser. M- Good morning. I'd like to have an argument, please. R- Certainly sir. Have you been here before? M- No, this is my first time. R- I see. Well, we'll see whose free at the moment, sir. Pause R- Mr. Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. No. Ahh- Try Mr. Barnaw; room 12. M- Thank you. Pause Pause Q- WHAT DO TOU WANT? M- Well, I was told outside.. Q- Dont give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! M- What? Q- Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type make me puke, you vacuous,cocky-toes (?), maloderous, pervert!!! M- LISTEN, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARUGMENT!! Q- OH, oh I'm sorry, this is abuse. M- Oh, I see. Q- No, you want room 12a, next door. M- Oh, sorry. Q- Not a'tall Ha-ha-ha, (Under his breath) Stupid git!! Pause M- Is this the right room for an argument? A- I told you once. M- No you haven't. A- Yes I have. M- When? A- Just now. M- No you didnt. A- Yes I did. M- You didn't A- I did! M- You didn't! A- I'm telling you I did! M- You didn't!! A- Oh, I'm sorry, is this the five minute argument; or the full half hour? M- Ah, just the five minutes. A- Just the five minutes - thank you. Anyway, I did. M- You most certainly did not. A- Now, lets get one thing perfectly clear; I most definatly told you. M- Oh no you didn't. A- Ah yes I did. M- No you didn't. A- Ah, yes I did. M- Oh, no you didn't. A- Ah yes.. M- Oh no you didn't. A- Ah Ye.. M- Oh no you didn't. A- Ah Y.. M- Oh no you didn't. A- Ahh, M- You didn't. A- Ahh, yes.. M- You didn't. A- Ah.. M- You didn't. A- A.. M- You didn't! A- Ahh Yes, M- No, you didn't! Oh look, this isn't an argument. A- Yes it is. M- No it isn't. It's just contradictions. A- No it isn't. M- It is! A- It is not. M- It is, you just contradicted me. A- No I didn't. M- You Did!! A- No, no, no. M- You did just then. A- Nonsense! M- Oh, this is futile! Short Pause A- No it isn't. - Yes it is. I came here for a good argument. A- Ahh, no you didn't; you came here for an argument. M- An argument isn't just contradictions. A- Well, it can be. M- No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition. A- No it isn't. M- Yes it is! It isn't just contradictions. A- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. M- Yes, that isn't just saying 'No it isn't.' A- Yes it is! M- No it isn't! A- Yes. M- No. A- It is. M- It isn't. A- Ye.. M- No! A- Y.. M- N.. A- Ye M- No A- Yes. M- Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just The autamatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. A- It is not! M- It is! A- Not at all. M- It is. A- slaps his hand on the bell. A- Thank you, that's it. Pause M- What? A- That's it. Good morning. M- But I was just getting interested. A- I'm sorry, the five minutes is out. M- That was never five minutes! A- I'm afraid it was. M- No it wasn't. Pause A- I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. M- What? A- If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. M- But that was never five minutes, just now. A- (Whistles) M- Oh come on now. Oh, this is ridiculous. A- I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! M- Oh, all right. Here you are. A- Thank you. M- Well. A- Well what? M- That was never five minutes, just now. A- I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay. M- Well, I just payed. A- NO you didn't. M- I DID! A- You didn;t M- I did. A- You didn.. M- I did. A- You D.. M- I d.. A- You didn't M- I did. A- You didn't M- But... But... I don't want to argue about. A- Well, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T PAY!!! M- Ah-Ha. Well if I did'nt pay, why are you arguing? Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Got you! A- No you haven't. M- Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. A- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Abrupt ending, with lots of applause.

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