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From: glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier) Date: 22 Jan 93 21:13:39 GMT Newsgroups: alt.quotations Subject: Norm (Cheers) Quotes List \LISTS\NORMISMS Here is a list I came across a while back. Enjoy the timeless wisdom of Norm. The Normisms file, Version 1.3. Maintained by rjc@math.princeton.edu (Raymond Chen). Please do not distributed modified versions of this file. This header may not be deleted. In chronological order: The Coach's Daughter: Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. Any Friend of Diane's: Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. Friends, Romans, and Accountants: Coach: How's life, Norm? Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. Truce or Consequences: Coach: How's it going, Norm? Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. Coach Returns to Action: Sam: What's up, Norm? Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. Endless Slumper: Coach: What's the story, Norm? Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One: Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife. Now Pitching, Sam Malone Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. Let Me Count the Ways: Coach: What's doing, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. No Help Wanted: Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. Coach: How about a beer, Norm? Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. Fortune and Men's Weights: Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. Snow Job: Coach: What's shaking, Norm? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. Coach: Beer, Normie? Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young. Norman's Conquest: [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2): Coach: What's up, Normie? Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. Diane Meets Mom: Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? Norm: Going down? [Norm returns from the hospital.] Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. Peterson Crusoe: [Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.] Norm: [mutters] Afternoon, everybody. All: Norm? (Norman?) The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter: Sam: What's new, Normie? Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer. King of the Hill: Coach: What'll it be, Normie? Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. The Mail Goes to Jail: Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Daddy wuvs you. Behind Every Great Man: Sam: What'd you like, Normie? Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. Norm: Afternoon, everybody. All: Norm! Cliff: Afternoon, everybody. All: [silence] The Executive's Executioner: Sam: What will you have, Norm? Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. Birth, Death, Love and Rice: Sam: What do you say, Norm? Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. Woody Goes Belly Up: Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? Diane's Nightmare: Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. All: Norm! (Norman.) Sam: Still pouring, Norm? Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday: Sam: What's the good word, Norm? Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. Love Thy Neighbor: Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. From Beer to Eternity: [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm! Sam: How the hell do they know him here? Cliff: He's got a life, you know. The Bar Stoolie: Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. The Triangle: Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Elope with my wife. [Norm is angry.] Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. Take My Shirt... Please? Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. The Peterson Principle: Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. Diane Chambers Day: Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. Strange Bedfellows, Part 1: Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? Strange Bedfellows, Part 2: Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... Eh, make that one-thirty. Strange Bedfellows, Part 3: Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Poor. Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Norm: No, I meant `pour'. The Proposal: Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. Tan 'n Wash: Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. Norm: Hey, everybody. All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich] Norm: [carries on both sides of the conversation himself] Norm! (Norman.) How are you feeling today, Norm? Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. Knights of the Scimitar: Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. Film at eleven. Chambers vs. Malone: Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. Norm's Last Hurrah: Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary. Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around the world and sold the bar] Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Woody: Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything] Norm: That was it, Woody. Last chance. I'm out of here. Norm: [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer, as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain] This looks like a nice, friendly tavern. What the heck, I think I'll give it a chance. Customer: Norm! Norm: Not now, you idiot! Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2: Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. Paint Your Office: Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Let's talk about what's going Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. A Kiss is Still a Kiss: Sam: How's life treating you? Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. Let Sleeping Drakes Lie: Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? Woody: For a beer? Norm: No, for stupid questions. Airport V: Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's just cut to the happy ending. One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2: Pepe: [something in Spanish] Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back: Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. Don't Paint Your Chickens: Sam: Beer, Norm? Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. Call Me, Irresponsible: Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.'' The Two Faces of Norm: [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody! All: Anton! Two Girls for Every Boyd: Sam: What can I get you, Norm? Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. Feeble Attraction: Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh: Sam: What are you up to Norm? Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. Loverboyd: Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going Mr. Peterson.' Sam: What do you know there, Norm? Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. Breaking In Is Hard to Do: Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? Norm: The warranty on my liver. [Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter] Sam: What'll you have this time, Norm? Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time. [The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say his first word.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Frederick: Norm! Lilith: He said Mommy! Bad Neighbor Sam: [The bar clientele has turned yuppie.] Bradley: Ciao, gang! All: Bradley! Veggie-Boyd: Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. It's a Wonderful Wife: Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. The Norm Who Came to Dinner: Sam: [answers the phone] Cheers! ... [to gang] Hey guys, it's Norm. [holds up the receiver] All: Norm! Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles] [to gang] Where does he come up with these things? Where Have All the Floorboards Gone: Sam: What's going on, Normie? Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver. Head Over Hill: Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. Found him every couple of blocks. --- Not yet categorized: "How about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!" -- "A horse! A horse! Somebody give me a horse, man, because|glazier@ I come to bury this dirtball, not to praise him. Whaddya |harvard.isr.edu think I am? Whether it's nobler for the mind to make people suffer with all these totally outrageous arrows arrows for a fortune, or what!" -- D.R.

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