---

From: jeffy@athena.mit.edu Date: 23 Aug 92 19:53:06 GMT Newsgroups: alt.tv.ren-n-stimpy Subject: Transcription of In The Army (Bob Camp) Once upon a time, our own erstwhile colleague, Lazlo Nibble, interviewed Bob Camp for X Magazine. This transcription of the erstwhile Bob Camp jumping through "In The Army" may have already been posted, but it's magical moments like this that set the tear ducts a flowin', so I couldn't resist neither this nor the temptation to create a horrendous erstwhile run-on sentence. Enjoy. X: So could you like, maybe, walk through the process real quick and just say what it's all about? Camp: I can pitch you this board . . . this is a board I've just started, and I'm almost done with it. Ren and Stimpy are in the Army...lemme turn on the lights so you can see it a little better. Alright: it opens up with ... this is the title card: Stimpy going at a Ren dummy with a bayonet. You see the outside of the army induction center, see the guys lined up and cut to the inside and start to pan across all these naked hairy men's legs, you know, and there's Ren and Stimpy standing in line, naked and ashamed and shivering in the cold...they look around and they see you look at 'em, and suddenly they're scared and they hide each others' butt parts and stuff. You see Ren all sitting, waiting for the doctor to come examine him, and the eye chart says T H I S W I L L H U R T Y O U ... he's sitting there gulping and scared...suddenly: "vreeeeeeeep..." coming in on the side is the Mega-Shot Arm Pulverizer, the doc grabs his arm and PUTS it right up against his arm, and you see his neck stretching... "Vrrrrrrrrmmmm...ka-CHUNK!", he faits dead away...you see Stimpy standing there looking concerned...he says, "Stimpy, look what they did to my arm!" and he holds it up and there's this HUGE THROBBING MOUND on it, with a Band-Aid, and Stimpy says, "Yeah, I got shots too, Ren, look!" "vreeeeep..." and he's got a huge mound on his tongue...you dissolve, you see Ren & Stimpy in the barbershop, whoosh! In comes the hand, bzzzzz, they know what's happening, it's the Impeding Doom on Stimpy's face...ZAAAAAAAAAA! he gets the top of his head cut off, Ren says, "Oh no"...in comes the thing again...ZAAAAAAA! he gets the top of his head cut off, you cross-dissolve and you see them coming up for their uniforms, they're silhouetted, and they grab their uniforms and walk off, you cut to the outside and you see their boots: and you start to paaaan and there they are with their skulls exposed, they whip out their helmets, KLONNNG they put their helmets on their heads...Ren turns around and says: "You know Steempy, this Army business ain't so bad! I think we found our niche!" SO they start going at their niches, pickin' and scratchin' and stuff...you truck out, and there stands -- the big, Mean, SERGEANT! And he screams at 'em: "TAAAAY...HWUUP!" And they're scared, they don't know what's going on...Ren says "What'd he say?" "TAY HWUP!" he's screaming at 'em. And Stimpy being the stupidest individual on the planet is the perfect soldier. He's perfect soldier material. So he stands at attention, he completely understands the gibberish the guy's yelling, Ren has no idea what's going on. He looks over ter him, and Stimpy's marching around, you hear the Sarge yelling in the background: "HWOP! TRIP! FIP! THOW" Ren comes up after 'im: "HEBOW PACE!" he whips around, screeches to a halt, he's trying to catch up with him..."KUBANNY...HAW!" and hi zips in, vibrates to a stop, and does an awkward loooking salute...and the sarge yells at 'im: "HEMAYY...KOW!" which who knows what the hell that means...and he whips up real quick, and then he JUTS his head forward and he LUNGES his tongue out, and grabs Ren with his tongue, squishing him, and he picks uhim up with his tongue like a fist: holds him right in front of his face and starts screaming at him: "HAINT YEW FOLLA ODERS?" and he flips him up in the air and he THROWS him to the ground dashing his skull to bits, and he comes up and he's all shakin' and stuff, see the big meaty finger come in their faces and he says: "HARITE YEW TWO INSEKS: GIMMY TWENY!", points to the ground, Stimpy salutes again..., he falls down to the ground, you hear , Ren looks down, he doesn't know what to think, and there's Stimpy, he's going at the push-ups like a steam locomotive, , so Ren shrugs his shoulders, reaches in his pocket, he says: "As a rule, I don't like to lend money, but you've got an honest face..." holds up a twenty-dollar bill...the Sergeant grabs the twenty, crushing Ren's hand...the feeble hand falls away, and the bill catches fire...then you cut to the outside of the mess hall, and the back door to the kitchen...you truck in, you see thes GIGANTIC MOUNTAINS OF POTATOES, you truck in as the mountains of potatoes move aside, and there's Ren and Stimpy, anxiously peeling potatoes, Stimpy looks over at Ren with a look of dissa...he's not MAD at Ren, he doesn't really get mad, but there's a look of disapproval on his face, and he turns to Ren with his potato peeler and says with a sort of threatening voice: "Hey Ren, you better do as the Sarge says or you'll get us both in a lot of trouble!" Ren: gulp...he's a little worried...fade out, fade in...you see the sign that says "TEAR GAS ROOM". You truck out and you see this little room there, and they're standing there, looking up at the sign, Ren reads it: "Tear Gas Room. Hm." and they start to sniff , mmmmm! they don't like the smell of that, no sir! Pee yoo! And Ren says: "I tell you man, there's nothing could get me in there!" starts walking away...and they bump into each other and they look, and there's the Sarge, big fat sarge sittin' on a cannon...no way...he holds up his meaty fist, points out his finger and they whip around..."Heheheheh!"...they go marchin' back to the thing, and they got their gas masks on, they go in the tear gas room, the door slams, and they're standing in there, with the gas masks on, and the room is full of, like, ripe cheese and suddely over the loudspeaker you hear the sarge's voice: "REMOO MASS!" so they whip the masks off...they're just standing around, the waft and the stink starts going into Stimpy's nose, and he gets a whiff of it, and he starts to break down, and "hwaaaaaaaaahhhh!" and his eyes are like on two geysers, dangling out and bouncing up and down, and he starts running around, insanely crying, and he zips out of the scene...Ren's like being cool......he walks out...stimpy's crying, he's out of control, snot's flying and he's crying and stuff...he turns to Ren and says: "Hey, how come you're not crying?" Ren holds up his finger, nods... "I cheated! I held my breath!" Ren says: "Boy, Stimpy, you're such a knucklehead! Listen you moron -- I'm smart and I know how to get around the big dope, the Sarge! Stick with me, kid, I know where I'm going in life! He starts to walk off and... he gets hit in the face with this huge cannon, and he pulls his face out and it's like, you can tell his face has been in it because his nose looks like it's been inside the cannon...wider shot and you see The Sarge and he's sittin' tightly packed in the top of a tank and the cannon's aimed at 'em, he starts screaming at 'em: "HEBOWW..." and you see the end of the cannon and his fist comes out of the end of the cannon pointing... "...PACE!" So they turn around and they go back in the tear gas room, slam, they have to breathe the stink more...then there's Ren and he's in the kitchen and they're peeling waterleons now...and you truck over and there's Stimpy [sad voice] and he's taking big chunks outta the watermelon...you fade out, fade in, and you see 'em in the distance, silhouetted, and they're trudgin' along, it's cold and dreary and they're in the mud and they got GIGANTIC HEAVY PACKS on their back, and they're trudgin' through the mud and sweating profusely...Ren starts to lose it, he can't hold anymore and he's quivering and quivering and the sweat's flying and PLOP! he falls down right on his face in the mud, and he struggles to get up [squidgy sounds] "uuuhuhuhuhhhrgg!" he goes back down in the mud, and he screams for help: "Stiiiimpy!"...then you see Stimpy, he's trudging along, and you start to pan up and now Ren's pack is on top of Stimpy's pack, and Ren's on top of both packs taking a nap...he's sunning himself......relaxing...you cut to a closer shot of stimpy, and he's stopped and resting, wiping his brow..."Whew!", and you see the mud in from of him going and this weird hat shape starts to rise up out of the mud...you cut to Ren laying on top of the packs, he says: "All right! Rest period's over! C'mon, let's get a move on!" he says "Do you hear me, stupid?" and you see in from of him, it starts to rise up...it's this weird muddy shape..."I said, let's get going!" It's the sarge, he's all caked with mud, he turns around and says "You don't wanna anger that big dopey Sarrr..." and he looks and he like sees the sarge and his finger droops down and his face droops down and his ears implode into his head and his eyes start to poke out and they go and then his whole head flies off of his skeleton and his brain comes exploding out of the top of his head and his tongue comes flying out of his mouth and these huge swollen eyes come out with the tendrils flying off the back of 'em and the skin off his skull just sloughs off...so you cut to Stimpy's trudging along in the mud again, you cut to a real close-up of Ren trudging along and there's a wide shot and he's got the big fat sarge on his back and he's really struggling and shaking...leter that night, you see the inside of the bunkhouse and you see Ren and Stimpy, they come draaaaging in, and they're exhausted and they're tired and they're sweaty and they can barely move, you see all the sleeping soldiers in their bunks, happily sleeping, and they sit down and Ren says, "Man, my dogs are killing me!" he struggles, takes on boot off , struggles, takes the other boot off and all these waft marks come up it's like stinking like crazy..."Boy, it sure feels good to get those boots off!" and you show his feet and he's huge, swollen, balloon-like human feet, Stimpy says "You said it!" and he's got huge swollen balloon-like feet...so you pan across, you see Ren is in his bed, he's ready to go to sleep and so's Stimpy, they've said good night to each other, and Ren juuust starts to doze off and suddenly: "bap BAP ba-da-bap ba BAP ba-da-bap ba BAP ba-da-bap bap BAAAAA da!" and he jumps up and he's screaming "bwwaaaaaah!", he zips back down and he's sitting on the ground and he's like all woozy and affected by it, and his eyeballs are really bloodshot, and he tries to stand up, and that's it, he can't take it anymore, and he starts cackling, he's like "bWwwwAAh HAah HAhahaAHA!", he's out of control, spit's flying out of his mouth...he reaches offscreen real quick, comes back with an axe -- he's completely insane now! He looks around: "Ah, my bed!" he starts chopping his bed to bits with this axe....that's as far as I got! [indicates boards] But basically what happens is, he chops his bed to bits, and then suddenly you hear "ATEN-SHUP!" and he's like frozen in place and he looks over, there's the big mean sarge, right, you look over, and there's Stimpy next to his bed, perfectly ready for inspection, his bed's made, he's got his uniform on, and there's Ren standing there, his bed chpped to bits, 'course you know they're in trouble now...so then, you cut to now they're in the kitchen again, and they're peeling H-bombs. And Ren can't take anymore, he's like...[cracking voice] "Stimpy...I...I can't take it anymore...the Sarge is driving me crazy...if he comes in here one more time, I'm just gonna...I don't know what's gonna happen..." Suddenly the door was it's the Sarge, he comes in: haaaaa like this, and they know they've had it now, and he goes: "YEEEEWWWW....Have GRADUATED! Congratulations! You're full-fledged tank paratroopers now!" and they go "Stimpy! We made it!" they're so happy...cut to the next shot and you see 'em inside their tank and they're so happy, and they've got really cool helmets with wings on 'em and big epaulets and lots of medals, and "Stimpy! We made it! We're tank paratroopers! We're not failures! We're a success!"...and then you cut to the outside of an airplane, and the back end opens up and all of a sudden you see this guy pushing a tank out... and the tank's falling thousands of miles an hour while flak explosions are going off all over and a little tiny parachute holding it up, you see an A-bomb explosion in the distance..the end.

---

The views and opinions stated within this web page are those of the author or authors which wrote them and may not reflect the views and opinions of the ISP or account user which hosts the web page. The opinions may or may not be those of the Chairman of The Skeptic Tank.

Return to The Skeptic Tank's main Index page.

E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank