From: email@example.com (Laurence Doering)
Subject: Don't make me use it...
Date: 26 Feb 92 07:44:56 GMT
Organization: University of Michigan Engineering, Ann Arbor
Well, the guy who said he was going to post "Space Madness" hasn't
yet, so NOW'S MY CHANCE! Stand back, kids...
Well, Stimpy, what's on TV tonight?
Oh, joy! Hey, Ren, it's "Commander Hoek and Stimpy"! Happy, happy,
happy, joy, joy, joy!
Stimpy disappears at high speed.
My favorite live-action drama! Don't let it start, don't let it start!
Stimpy returns wearing Cadet Stimpy outfit w/ space helmet, salutes Ren.
Roger. A-OK. Activate viewscreen. I can't watch this show without my...
Stimpy produces ring.
... trusty Commander Hoek Radar Decoder Ring, my *official* Commander
Hoek Space Helmet, not to mention your genuine Super-Elastic Time Shorts
(bet you don't have a pair of THESE, Earthling), AAANND...
Stimpy sticks out his tongue
... my Anti-Gravity Bubble Gum!
All systems go! Prepare for countdown! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one! Blast off to adventure in the amazing
year Four Hundred Billion, with Commander Hoek and his faithful companion,
Cadet Stimpy! As they roam the endless uncharted regions of space at
speeds so fantastic they boggle the imagination!
Prepare to surge to sublight speed.
(Stimpy presses button. Alarms go off, etc. Ren and Stimpy grimace.)
(Spaceship accelerates insanely, and they both scream.)
You'll see futuristic technologies! Thrilling headgear! Spine-tingling
toast! Be there! Scour the spaceways! Explore vast ALIEN WORLDS!
(Alien planet. Ren and Stimpy are both in a giant spacesuit.)
Come in, Cadet Stimpy. Do you read me?
STIMPY (stands up next to Ren)
Cadet Stimpy here. We read you. Roger.
(Roger appears next to them.)
Okay, space cadets! Prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's
("Space Madness" title appears)
(Interior of spaceship. Ren and Stimpy are on the bridge.)
Captain's log. Commander Hoek here, on a thirty-six year mission to the
Crab Nebula. We've made this trip dozens of times.
You know, they say sometimes people go CRAZY on these long trips. They
get the, eh...
(in unearthly voice)
Heh. Space madness. Mr. Science Officer, commence relaxation period.
Aye aye, Cap'n.
(Ren and Stimpy at table. Mellow lounge music.)
Well, it's break time. We're not on duty for another six years.
So... whaddaya wanna do?
Why don't we just spend some quality time together?
(Stimpy nods. They sit and stare at each other. Stimpy starts tapping table.
It gradually gets on Ren's nerves.)
REN (finally breaks)
Do you HAVE to keep TAPPING like that? You BLOATED SACK of PROTOPLASM!
Hey, Cap... ease off.
Oh, hey... I'm sorry, man. I... (loosens collar) I've just been cooped
up here so long.
I think we *both* need a good hot meal. Just hang on, okay?
(returns with covered dish)
Mmmm, boy. I'm starving.
(lifts lid. Three tubes of food concentrate.)
How about that! A three course meal.
That's IT! I need some REAL FOOOOOOOD!
(bangs head on table)
STIMPY (concerned, as Ren starts to cry)
Relax, Cap'n. I'm here for you. Let it out. That's right. Hey! I
know what you need!
Yes, sir, a good hot bath is the best thing for nerves.
(Ren hands Stimpy a towel. Stimpy makes rattail, snaps Ren with it.)
Owww! Hey! Cut it out!
REN (relaxing in bathtub)
(looks around guiltily as suspicious bubbles appear in bathwater)
I'll turn off the gravity. It'll help you relax.
What a pal. Ahhh. This is the good life. Just relax... and let my
(Ren and water float out of the tub together)
Yeahhhh. I'll just relax, and think pleasant thoughts... Chicken pot
pie!... Chocolate-covered raisins!... Ehh... Glazed ham!...
(Ren drifts around the room.)
Heh... heh... heh... they think I'm CRAZY. But I know better. It is
not *I* who am crazy. It is I who am MAD! Didn'tcha hear 'em?
Didn'tcha see the CROWDS?
(Ren holds up bar of soap)
Oh, my beloved ice cream bar... how I love to lick your creamy center!
HOOOWWWWWW... (bites soap) ... and your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering!
You're not like the others... you like the same things I do!
Waxed paper... boiled football leather... dogbreath... We're not
hitchhiking anymore! We're RIDING!
Stop it! You're talking crazy!
REN (suddenly paranoid)
Oh, no. I know what YOU want. You coveted my ICE CREAM BAR!
No, you don't! You can't take it from me now. I've had this ice
cream bar since I was a CHILD! People... always trying to take it
from me! Why won't they LEAVE ME ALOOOOONNNNE?
E... easy, now.
Back off, man! (grabs toothbrush) Don't make me use this! One
step closer, I'm WARNING ya! Don't make me use it!
(Stimpy steps closer)
NOW you've done it. YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!
(horrible sound as Ren brushes his teeth. They struggle. Ren loses.)
Eeee... eh... I'm hurting. (collapses)
You poor crazy kid!
(Bridge. Ren dictates into log.)
Captain's log. I'm tired. So tired. I can't believe my own partner
attacked me. Maybe... if I occupy his MIND with more DUTIES, I can
Now, listen, Cadet. I've got a JOB for you. See this button?
(Stimpy reaches for the button)
DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the HISTORY ERASER button, you FOOL!
So... what'll happen?
That's just IT! We don't KNOW! Maayyyybeeee something bad?...
Mayyyybeeee something good! I guess we'll never know! 'Cause
you're going to guard it! You won't TOUCH it, will you?
(Stimpy salutes. Ren leaves.)
Hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh...
(Stimpy marches back and forth, staring at the button.)
Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly
resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his
very existence? Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable
(Announcer grabs Stimpy, forces him closer to button)
Can he resist the temptation to push the button that, even now, beckons
him ever closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate
history? At the MERE... PUSH... of a SINGLE... BUTTON! The beeyootiful
SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will he hold out, folks?
CAN he hold out?
NO I CAN'T!!! EEEEEYAAAHHHH! (pushes button)
(Alarms go off. Ren, Stimpy, and Announcer stand around table w/ button.)
Tune in next week, as...
(Flash, explosion as they all disappear.)