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Path: igor.rutgers.edu!rutgers!bellcore!walter!qualcom.qualcomm.com!network.ucsd.edu!usc!rpi!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!caen!cinnamon.engin.umich.edu!ldoering From: ldoering@caen.engin.umich.edu (Laurence Doering) Newsgroups: alt.tv.ren-n-stimpy Subject: Don't make me use it... Message-ID: Date: 26 Feb 92 07:44:56 GMT Organization: University of Michigan Engineering, Ann Arbor Lines: 239 Well, the guy who said he was going to post "Space Madness" hasn't yet, so NOW'S MY CHANCE! Stand back, kids... SPACE MADNESS REN Well, Stimpy, what's on TV tonight? STIMPY Oh, joy! Hey, Ren, it's "Commander Hoek and Stimpy"! Happy, happy, happy, joy, joy, joy! Stimpy disappears at high speed. STIMPY My favorite live-action drama! Don't let it start, don't let it start! Stimpy returns wearing Cadet Stimpy outfit w/ space helmet, salutes Ren. STIMPY Roger. A-OK. Activate viewscreen. I can't watch this show without my... Stimpy produces ring. ... trusty Commander Hoek Radar Decoder Ring, my *official* Commander Hoek Space Helmet, not to mention your genuine Super-Elastic Time Shorts (bet you don't have a pair of THESE, Earthling), AAANND... Stimpy sticks out his tongue ... my Anti-Gravity Bubble Gum! ANNOUNCER All systems go! Prepare for countdown! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Blast off to adventure in the amazing year Four Hundred Billion, with Commander Hoek and his faithful companion, Cadet Stimpy! As they roam the endless uncharted regions of space at speeds so fantastic they boggle the imagination! (on bridge) REN Prepare to surge to sublight speed. (Stimpy presses button. Alarms go off, etc. Ren and Stimpy grimace.) REN En... gage... (Spaceship accelerates insanely, and they both scream.) ANNOUNCER You'll see futuristic technologies! Thrilling headgear! Spine-tingling toast! Be there! Scour the spaceways! Explore vast ALIEN WORLDS! (Alien planet. Ren and Stimpy are both in a giant spacesuit.) REN Come in, Cadet Stimpy. Do you read me? STIMPY (stands up next to Ren) Cadet Stimpy here. We read you. Roger. (Roger appears next to them.) Roger here. ANNOUNCER Okay, space cadets! Prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode.... ("Space Madness" title appears) (Interior of spaceship. Ren and Stimpy are on the bridge.) REN Captain's log. Commander Hoek here, on a thirty-six year mission to the Crab Nebula. We've made this trip dozens of times. (to audience) You know, they say sometimes people go CRAZY on these long trips. They get the, eh... (in unearthly voice) SPACE MADNESS. (normal) Heh. Space madness. Mr. Science Officer, commence relaxation period. STIMPY Aye aye, Cap'n. (Ren and Stimpy at table. Mellow lounge music.) REN Well, it's break time. We're not on duty for another six years. STIMPY So... whaddaya wanna do? REN Why don't we just spend some quality time together? (Stimpy nods. They sit and stare at each other. Stimpy starts tapping table. It gradually gets on Ren's nerves.) REN (finally breaks) Do you HAVE to keep TAPPING like that? You BLOATED SACK of PROTOPLASM! STIMPY Hey, Cap... ease off. REN Oh, hey... I'm sorry, man. I... (loosens collar) I've just been cooped up here so long. STIMPY I think we *both* need a good hot meal. Just hang on, okay? (returns with covered dish) REN Mmmm, boy. I'm starving. STIMPY (lifts lid. Three tubes of food concentrate.) How about that! A three course meal. REN That's IT! I need some REAL FOOOOOOOD! (bangs head on table) STIMPY (concerned, as Ren starts to cry) Relax, Cap'n. I'm here for you. Let it out. That's right. Hey! I know what you need! (bathroom) STIMPY Yes, sir, a good hot bath is the best thing for nerves. (Ren hands Stimpy a towel. Stimpy makes rattail, snaps Ren with it.) REN Owww! Hey! Cut it out! REN (relaxing in bathtub) Ahhhhhhhh. (looks around guiltily as suspicious bubbles appear in bathwater) STIMPY I'll turn off the gravity. It'll help you relax. REN What a pal. Ahhh. This is the good life. Just relax... and let my mind drift. (Ren and water float out of the tub together) Yeahhhh. I'll just relax, and think pleasant thoughts... Chicken pot pie!... Chocolate-covered raisins!... Ehh... Glazed ham!... (Ren drifts around the room.) Heh... heh... heh... they think I'm CRAZY. But I know better. It is not *I* who am crazy. It is I who am MAD! Didn'tcha hear 'em? Didn'tcha see the CROWDS? (Ren holds up bar of soap) Oh, my beloved ice cream bar... how I love to lick your creamy center! HOOOWWWWWW... (bites soap) ... and your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! You're not like the others... you like the same things I do! Waxed paper... boiled football leather... dogbreath... We're not hitchhiking anymore! We're RIDING! STIMPY Stop it! You're talking crazy! REN (suddenly paranoid) Oh, no. I know what YOU want. You coveted my ICE CREAM BAR! STIMPY C'mon now... REN No, you don't! You can't take it from me now. I've had this ice cream bar since I was a CHILD! People... always trying to take it from me! Why won't they LEAVE ME ALOOOOONNNNE? STIMPY E... easy, now. REN Back off, man! (grabs toothbrush) Don't make me use this! One step closer, I'm WARNING ya! Don't make me use it! (Stimpy steps closer) NOW you've done it. YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT! (horrible sound as Ren brushes his teeth. They struggle. Ren loses.) REN Eeee... eh... I'm hurting. (collapses) STIMPY You poor crazy kid! (Bridge. Ren dictates into log.) REN Captain's log. I'm tired. So tired. I can't believe my own partner attacked me. Maybe... if I occupy his MIND with more DUTIES, I can control his... (unearthly voice) SPACE MADNESS. (Button room.) REN Now, listen, Cadet. I've got a JOB for you. See this button? (Stimpy reaches for the button) DON'T TOUCH IT! It's the HISTORY ERASER button, you FOOL! STIMPY So... what'll happen? REN That's just IT! We don't KNOW! Maayyyybeeee something bad?... Mayyyybeeee something good! I guess we'll never know! 'Cause you're going to guard it! You won't TOUCH it, will you? (Stimpy salutes. Ren leaves.) REN Hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh... hehhhh... (Stimpy marches back and forth, staring at the button.) ANNOUNCER Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence? Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires? (Announcer grabs Stimpy, forces him closer to button) Can he resist the temptation to push the button that, even now, beckons him ever closer? Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history? At the MERE... PUSH... of a SINGLE... BUTTON! The beeyootiful SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold out? STIMPY NO I CAN'T!!! EEEEEYAAAHHHH! (pushes button) (Alarms go off. Ren, Stimpy, and Announcer stand around table w/ button.) ANNOUNCER Tune in next week, as... (Flash, explosion as they all disappear.)

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