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========================================================================= What is the difference between... .. A french horn and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower. .. A clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. .. A saxophone and a chainsaw? The grip. .. An accordion and a trampoline? You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline. ========================================================================== Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They have a machine that does that now. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: A drummer. Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door ? A: The knocking always speeds up. Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ? A: They never know when to come in. Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light buld? A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..." Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band? A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind. Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around his ass. =========================================================================== What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A violin burns faster. Why is a violist like a terrorist? They both f**k up bowings. What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers. What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A dressmaker tucks up frills. What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. ========================================================================== A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?" A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor askes the violist, "What's wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!" ========================================================================= The composition of a string quartet: 1 good violinist 1 bad violinist 1 really bad violinist who became a violist 1 cellist who hates all violinists. ========================================================================== GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom. CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola" CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble. DUCTIA: A lot of mallards EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half MINNESINGER: A boy soprano MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking NEUMS: Renaissance midgets NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns SANCTA: Clausula's husband LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire DUCTIA: Vire's organum MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early LONGA: The time between visits with Vire PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum QUAVER: Beginning viol class RACKETT: Capped reeds class RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church SUPERTONIC: Schweppes TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece TROPE: A malevolent Neum TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras Collected from: Dr. John Robison, USF College of Music

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