---

WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR! SONGS-X4.TXT -Ioseph of Locksley and countless others! -tune: "Celito Lindo" A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical! (T) (Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai! I am drunker than you are So sing me another verse That's worse than the other verse And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! (I) A blue ribbon was quite a surprise To a Scotsman in his native guise "I don't know where you've been, Whether good, or in sin.... But I'm glad that you won the first prize!" (I) While Titian was mixing rose madder He espied a nude girl on a ladder Her position, to Titian Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er! (T) A wanton young lady from Wembly Reproached for not acting quite primly Answered "Heavens above!" "I know sex is not love!" "But it's such an attractive facsimile!" (T) There once was a knight from the West Who thought he was the very best But the ladies just chaffed And pointed and laughed And never put him to the test! (U) A Celt, with a grin, softly said As he killed all his enemies dead "These trophies so gory Are my marks of glory, It's my enemies giving me head!" (I) There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr Who committed a dreadful faux pas She loosened a stay In her decollette Exposing her je ne sais quoi! (T) There once was an old man of Lyme Who married three wives at a time When asked: "Why a third?" He replied: "One's absurd!" "And bigamy, sir, is a crime!" (T) 2 The Revel lasts all of the night Lords and ladies in finery bedight The music doth swell The dancers look well Once they learn their left foot from their right! (E) There once was a knight from the Middle Who wanted to learn how to diddle In the East, at his ease, He caught a disease: And now he can't even piddle! (I) A randy young man from Caid Was discovered spreading his seed In horses and dogs, In owls and in frogs, And in two or three slow-moving Swedes! (I) At least if you're in the Dark Horde You will never sit 'round being bored Our ladies, and wives. Tend to carry sharp knives.... First get their permission, my lord! (U) A lusty old Duke, at Estrella Was behaving in ways I won't say-a In his BVDs Duct-taped to a tree He woke up the very next day-a! (I) Address all unknowns as gentle Treat ladies as tho' sacramental Unless their bare arms, Loose behavior, and charms Proclaim that their favours are rentals! (E) Don't ever drink Caidan Blue It'll getcha as nothing else do! A pirate one day Drank two, so they say, Just look at that boy gork and spew! (I) There once was a young knight from Kent Whose thing was so long that it bent! To save himself trouble He'd put it in double, And instead of coming, he went! (T) The trouble with list'ning to Yang Was that every damned song the man sang Was either illicit, immoral, explicit, Or in lower Mongolian slang! (E) There was a young lady named Banker Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor! She awoke in dismay When she heard someone say: "Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!" (U) 3 A serious thought for today Is one that may cause dismay: Just what are the forces That bring little horses If all the big horses say "Neigh?" (U) There was a young man from Racine Who invented a "Doing Machine" Concave and convex It could "do" either sex, But oh, what a bastard to clean! (T) There was a young couple named Kelly Who walked around belly-to-belly Because, in their haste, They used library paste Instead of petroleum jelly! (T) At the Revel last night down in Crewe I found a large mouse in the stew Said the waiter "Don't shout, And wave it about, Or the King will be wanting one, too!" (T) There was a young lady named Greene Who grew so abnormally lean And flat and compressed That her back touched her chest And sideways, she couldn't be seen! (T) A certain young man from An Tir Sat down, and cried in his beer, His lady, he said, Wore chain-mail to bed And it took off the hair round his peer (I) There once was a knight from the Mists Who cockily entered the lists A Duke soon uncocked him, Dehorned and defrocked him, He got screwed, but never was kissed! (I) If you kiss enough frogs, so they say, One might be a Prince, some fine day, But beware of the dude Who is uncouth, and lewd: He's a horny toad, and a bad lay! (I) A certain young Herald so charming Had Arms that were very alarming: A maiden, displayed, On a bed, disarrayed, And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!" (I) You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah While you turn them quite green With your shieldwork supreme Look out for that left-hand katana! (E) 4 The East, or the Mid, (It depends!) Remarks when the Horde condescends To march into place With sword, spear and mace: "Your friends? I thought they were our friends!" (E) Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot They've never been peaceful and quiet We'd turn it to slag Mop it up with a rag Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it! (U) A Meridian lady, they say. Was made a peculiar way: She took forty-two strokes And three dirty jokes And a gallon of mead every day! (U) Ansteorra's a place in a rut Delighted to wallow in smut! They use dirty socks To cover their jocks And do, well, I mustn't say what! (U) As I gazed at the heavens one night The cracks in the sky caused me fright! Pieces came down! Fell all over town! I guess Chicken Little was right! (J) God's plan had a hopeful beginning But Man spoiled his chances by sinning We trust that the story Will end up in Glory But, at present, the Other side's winning.... (T) And now we have got to The End Of this song about Terrible Sin And if you've been bored I'm sorry, m'lord You should NEVER have let me begin! (I) ************************************************************** Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar": There was a young girl named Alice Who used dynamite for a phallus They found her vagina In South Carolina And her arse was just this side of Dallas! (T) A rancid old hermit named Dave Kept a dead whore in a cave He said; "I admit," "I'm a bit of a shit;" "But think of the money I save!" (T) 5 There was a young man from Nantucket Whose prick was so long he could suck it Said he, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" (T) Now, Jon and Diana one day Founded the whole SCA At a Berkeley party That was very arty Now it's covered the whole USA! (U) His Grace (or Her Grace...it depends) Remarks when the Dark Horde descends With chickens and goats, six Serbs and five Croats "My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!" (E) There once was an old maid from Wooster Who thought that a man had seduced her When looking around, She finally found: 'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her! (T) There was an old lady from Munich Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch At the height of her passion He slipped her a ration From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic! (T) There once was a mighty stick-jock Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection He'd play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach! (U) An attractive young lady named Myrtle Had quite an affair with a turtle What is more phenominal A swelling abdominal Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile! (T) An unfortunate fellow named Chase Had an ass that was badly misplaced He showed indignation When investigation Proved that few persons shit thru their face! (T) A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom His mistress did shout As he pulled the thing out "De gustibus non disputandum!" (U) There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass Not pretty, and pink, As you probably think: It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! (S) 6 A bather, whose clothing was strewed By breezes, that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expect the next line to be lewd! (U) A habit obscene and unsavoury Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery With maniacal howls He deflowers young owls Which he keeps in an underground aviary! (T) There was a young harlot from Crewe Who filled her vagina with glue She said, with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too!" (S) There was a young lawyer named Rex Who was sadly deficient in sex Arraigned for exposure He said, with composure, "De minimus non curat lex!" (U) There was an old lady of Tring Who, when somebody asked her to sing Replied, "Isn't it odd? I can never tell 'God Save The Weasle' from 'Pop Goes The King!" (U) A young poet, whose name was McMahon Wrote verse that never would scan When they said, "But the thing Doesn't move with a swing," He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can! (U) There once was a Duke from the West Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best He said," She is sweet, And gentle, and neat, But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!" (I) There once was a man named Old Jossil Who found a most int'resting fossil He could tell by the bend And the knot in the end, T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle! (T) There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born by the light of the moon He had not the luck To be born of a fuck But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon! (T) There once was a man from Shambock Who played the bass viol with his cock With massive erections He rendered selections From Johann Sebastian Bach! (T) 7 There once was a girl from Milpitas Who had a great yen for coitus Her athletic friend Had an itch on the end, So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus! (U) There once was a girl from Mobile Had a cunt made of crucible steel Her greatest sex-thrill Was a rotary drill And an off-center emery wheel! (U) A broken-down harlot named Truppe Was heard to confess, in her cups, "The height of my folly Was to diddle a Collie, But I got a nice prize for the pups!" (T) There once was a man named Grost Who had an affair with a ghost He said, with a spasm, At the height of orgasm, "I think I can feel it, almost!" (T) There once was a Corsair named Bates Who did the fandango, on skates; He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates! (T) There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The whole oboe part Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major! (U) There was a young lady from York Who was greatly adverse to the stork But no matter how firm, She feared no man's sperm, For she plugged it up first with a cork! (U) There was an old Count from Svoboda Who would not pay a whore what he owed her, So, with great savoir-faire, She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda! (T) There was a young lady from Arden Who was blowing a man in a garden, He said, in a huff: "Do you swallow the stuff?" She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" (T) The lovely young Countess of Bole Had a sense of humor most droll To a masquerade ball She wore nothing at all, And backed in as a Parker House Roll! (T) 8 There was a young man from old Sparta Who was a magnificent farta He could fart anything From "God Save the Queen," To a solo from "La Traviata!" (T) On the chest of a Countess named Gail Was tatooed the price of her tail, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information, in Braille! (T) There was a young man from New Haven Who had an affair with a raven Said he, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "Nevermore!" (U) A fighter, while armoring up, Found a lady's brassiere in his cup. Since his jock strap was gone, He tied the thing on, Saying, "Wonder what's holding HER up?" (M) A lady who liked to brew mead Made a very strong potion indeed-- When served at the War, It disabled twelve score, And the Midrealm was forced to concede! (M) Hussein, a true servant of Allah, Converted some poor Viking fella Saying, "Take my advice, Seek the true Paradise-- You know what they serve in Valhalla!" (M) All the lady apes ran from King Kong For his dong was unspeakably long But a friendly giraffe Took his yard-and-a-half And ecstatically broke into song! (S) A maiden who lived in Virginny Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny The hunting set chased her, Fucked, buggered, then dropped her For the pitch of her organ went tinny! (S) There once was a young girl of Devon Who was raped in a garden by seven High Anglican priests - The lascivious beasts! Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.....! (S) When a woman in strapless attire Found her breasts working higher and higher A guest, with great feeling, Exclaimed "How appealing!" "Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" (S) 9 There was a young lady from Trent Who said that she knew what it meant When he asked her to dine Private room, lots of wine, She knew, oh, she knew...but she went! (S) There was a young lady named Hitchin Who was scratchin' her crotch in the kitchen Her mother said, "Rose," "It's the crabs, I suppose..." She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'!" (S) There was a young man of St. James Who indulged in the jolliest games He lighted the rim Of his grandmother's quim And laughed as she pissed thru the flames! (S) A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his prick to perform a slick stunt This versatile spout Could be turned inside out like a glove, and be used as a cunt! (S) There was a young girl from Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save for fly-buttons hitting the ceiling! (S) A hermit who had an oasis Thought it the best of all places He could pray and be calm 'Neath a pleasant date-palm, While the lice on his pecker ran races! (S) The last time I dined with the King He did quite a curious thing: He sat on a stool And took out his tool, And said, "If I play, will you sing?" (S) The gay young Duke of Buckingham Stood on the bridge at Rockingham, Watching the stunts of the cunts and the punts, and the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em! (S) A mathematician named Ball Had a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its' weight Times his pecker, plus eight, Was four-fifths of five-eighths fucking all! (S) There was a young student of Trinity Who shattered his sister's virginity He buggered his brother, Had twins by his mother, And took double honours in Divinity! (S) 10 There was a young fellow named Scott Who took a girl out on his yacht But, too lazy to rape her, He made darts of brown paper, Which he languidly threw at her twat! (S) There was a young lady from Exeter So pretty, that men craned their necks at her One went so far As to wave from his car The distinguishing mark of his sex at her! (S) There was a young fellow named Kimble Whose prick was exceedingly nimble But fragile and slender And dainty and tender So he kept it enclosed in a thimble! (S) An organist, playing at York, Had a prick that could hold a small fork, And, between obligattos, He'd munch at tomatoes To keep up his strength while at work! (S) As the she-wolf and lioness feel For their cubs, so the Knight for his steel. When looking at such Ask leave ere you touch Or instead of seeing, you'll feel. (C) Be still when a Bard holds the hall. Join the dancing or stand by the wall. Don't boast of your might Till you learn how to fight Or after or ever at all. (C) There once was a girl with a torso Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so! Her only complaint Was because Ink and Paint Gave each of her tits its own floor show! (K) * note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song....... (T): Traditional (U): Unknown source (I): Ioseph of Locksley (E): East Kingdom Songbook (S): Singapore Hash House Harriers (J): John Benson (M): Marian Greenleaf (C): Cariadoc of The Bow (K): Charlie Kellner *****************************************************************

---

The views and opinions stated within this web page are those of the author or authors which wrote them and may not reflect the views and opinions of the ISP or account user which hosts the web page. The opinions may or may not be those of the Chairman of The Skeptic Tank.

Return to The Skeptic Tank's main Index page.

E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank