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THE SONGBOOK OF MISTRESS SIR TRUDE LACKLANDIA PART THREE * The Mercenary Song (Words By .. The Shire Of Rauchenderburg) (17 May A.S. XX) My Lord And My Lady Are One In The Same Many A Victory I've Won In Their Name For Drachma's And Shilling's And Gilder's And Gold My Courage Is Manly My Valor Is Bold I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead But That's My Line Of Work From Arabia's Deserts To Norway's Fjords I'll Pillage The Countryside's Killing The Lords My Needs They Are Simple At Last When I'm Paid A Bottle Of Mead And A Bossomy Maid I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead But That's My Line Of Work If You Meet My Price Then I'm Off To The Fray Here's Something To Ponder While I'm On My Way Don't Fight With A Viking Who's Richer Than You If He Tops Your Offer Then Guess What I'll Do I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead But That's My Line Of Work Off With The Norman's I Sailed To The War And Fought Many Battles On England's Grey Shores The Saxon's Were Bold But The Norman's Had Gold And So With The Money My Sword It Was Sold I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead, But That's My Line Of Work The Lords Give Out Titles The Ladies Just Flirt But They Don't Mean Anything Cause I'm A Merc Titles And Ladies Are Often A Curse I'm More Reassured By The Weight Of My Purse I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead, But That's My Line Of Work Lock Up Your Daughters An Lock Up Your Wives Pray To Your Gods And Fear For Your Lives With Maces And Axes And Swords In Our Hand's For The Right Price We Will Slay Any Man I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead, But That's My Line Of Work Merc's Have Fought Battles In Many Great Wars And When I Am Through With The Blood And The Gore You'll Find Me Out Spending The Gold I've Been Paid Rip Roaring Drunk With A Buxom Young Maid I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead, But That's My Line Of Work Lock Up Your Treasures With Merc's On The Loose A Merc Can Bear Hardship And Blatant Abuse A Merc Will Go Anywhere Fearless And Bold But The Sight Of A Moose Turns His Testicles Cold I'm A Merc Merc I Am A Merc Make Me An Offer And I'll Be A Merc I'll Fight Off The Norsemen I'll Fight Off The Turks I'm Sorry You're Dead, But That's My Line Of Work * THE WAR OF THE MERMEN Am Em TIS A LEGEND OF FEAR IN ANSTEORRA AND CALENTIR G D Am OF A LAKESHORE OUTSIDE OF FAYETTVILLE Em IT IS SAID THAT THE MUD HAS A THIRST FOR MEN'S BLOOD G D Am AND THE WRATH OF THE SPRING RAINS IS DREADFUL MANY HUNDREDS WERE THERE, LORDS AND LADIES MOST FAIR AS OF COURSE WERE THE KING AND THE WARLORD MOST HAD TRAVELED QUITE FAR, CRAMMING TWELVE IN A CAR TO THIS PLACE BEYOND EITHER SIDES BORDERS FOLKS OF MANY A SHIRE STOOD AROUND THE BONFIRE AND SANG THE IMPERIUM COMPOUND THUS THE FOLKS WHO ARIVED AFTER SEVEN HOUR DRIVES MOST ASSUREDLY GOT A WARM WELCOME THEN THE MORNING CAME SOON AND IT PASSED ON TO NOON WHILE THEY DID THREESCORE AUTHORIZATIONS ALL THE LADIES AND GENT'S LOUNGED AROUND BY THEIR TENTS AND COMBATED THEIR GROWING IMPATIENCE FOR ALL ANYONE KNEW IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUE THE HEAD MAN MIGHT HAVE BEEN AN ALBINO FOR IF YOU ASKED AROUND 'ABOUT WHERE HE MIGHT BE FOUND ALL THAT ANYONE SAID WAS "DAM'FINO!" BUT AT LAST THE TIME CAME AND UPON THE FLOOD-PLAIN ALL THE FIGHTERS COMMENCED WITH THEIR MAULING-- BUT THE CROWD LOOKED ABOUT AND THEIR HEARTS FILLED WITH DOUBT FOR ALREADY THE RAINDROPS WERE FALLING THEN THE WARLORD AND KING STEPPED OUT INTO A RING MADE BY EIGHTEEN MEN PICKED FOR THEIR PROWESS BUT THE WARLORD WAS HURT WHEN HE SLIPPED IN THE DIRT WHICH HAD BEEN TURNED TO MUD BY THE SHOWERS THEN THE SKY BECAME DARK AND THE RAIN CAME DOWN HARD 'CAUSE THE MUD WANTED PINTOS FOR DINNER IT WAS SOGGY AND DREAR AS THEY PACKED UP THEIR GEAR AND CONCEDED THE FIGHT TO THE WINNER BY THE TIME THEY WERE PACKED THEY COULD NOT DOUBT THE FACTS AND THE CAMPSITE WAS EVACUATED THE POINTS FOR THE WOODS FIGHT WERE TO GO TO THE SIDE OF THE LAST CAR TO GET OUT UNAIDED BUT ALL THAT THEY GAINED WAS THE RUST IN THEIR CHAIN AND THE MUD THAT ENCRUSTED THEIR LAUNDRY THEY COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HAD FOULED UP THEIR PLANS AS THEY LEFT THEY WERE ALL IN A QUANDARY THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN ALL RIGHT IF THE PREVIOUS NIGHT THE HAD THOUGHT TO CHECK IN WITH THE COAST GUARD BUT MY OL' UNCLE CLEM HE FORGOT TO TELL THEM 'BOUT THE SEASONAL RAINS IN THE OZARKS REPEAT 1 * Paladins Theme (Words .. Lady Ellen Aelfrige of Dragons Ley) (Tune .. Men Of Harlech) Mighty Fighter, For Forsetti Stand And Fight, Forever Ready Truth And Honor, Brave And Steady Justice Will Prevail Forward To The Battle Drive The Foes Like Cattle Evil Flees With Trembling Knees Crawling, Falling, Cringing And Retreating Right Is Might The Age Old Story Blood And Fury, Guts And Glory Cowards Flee In Fear All Hoary Justice Will Prevail Noble Service, With Cheer Given Nature Pure And Spirit Shriven Forward Bravely Foes Are Driven Justice Will Prevail War Is Fair And Pleasing Glory, Dear And Easy Low The Foe, They Run And Go Cowards, Weak, Disgusting, Gross And Sleezy Battle Is The Test Of Manhood Death To All Who Fight The True Good Honor Ladies As A Knight Should Justice Will Prevail * Rose Rounds (Words Courtesy .. Viscountess Kaylitha) Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose Shall I Ever See Thee Wed I Will Marry At Thy Will Sire At Thy Will Hey, Ho Nobody Home Meat Nor Drink Nor Money Have I None Yet I Will Be Merry Ah, Poor Bird Take Thy Flight Far Above The Sorrows Of This Sad Night I Watched as My Love Did Undress Oh, How His Eyes Were The Blue Of Loch Ness I Said "Jamie Dear, You Sure Have A Rear, But What Happened To All The Rest * Shiny Armor (Words by .. Robert Grey and the Shire) (Tune .. Silver Bells) Nasty Giants, Wicked Giants And they Storm on the Hill And the Rest of us All Want to Retreat But the Fighter in Bright Armor Says That We Must Attack And That is Why We All Sing Paladins, Paladins, They're Going to Get Us All Killed Paladins, Paladins, They'll Get Us All Killed One Day Mighty Wizard, Evil Wizard With his Staff and his Rod And his Wand, Scepter, Ring, Cloak and Orb With a Scroll and a Scarab and a Couple of Tomes And the Paladin Just Says "Convert " Paladins, Paladins, They're Going to Get Us All Killed Paladins, Paladins, They'll Get Us All Killed One Day As we Wander Thru the Dungeon And We Try to be QUIET All of Us Dressed in Leather and Padding there's a Jingle and a Jangle and a Clankety Clank Cause the Paladin's Still Dressed in Plate Paladins, Paladins, They're Going to Get Us All Killed Paladins, Paladins, They'll Get Us All Killed One Day Now the Cleric, He Will Heal Us And we Know That is Right For That is a Cleric's True Function And the Paladin With his Two Points Tries to Steal his Limelight Oh God, That Guys Ego's too Much Paladins, Paladins, They're Going to Get Us All Killed Paladins, Paladins, They'll Get Us All Killed One Day Demigorgon, Beelzebub and all of the Rest And Every Darn Demon You've Heard of And We Said No We Won't Do It, You Can Do It Yourself And Somehow the Paladin WON Paladins, Paladins, All of them Seem to Lead Charmed Lives Paladins, Paladins, They're the Last Ones Left Alive. * SONNET FOR COUNTESS SIR TRUDE COUNT SIR JEHAN DE LA MARCH AS XXIII IN TIME OF WAR HER SWORD'S SWIFT SLASHING BLOWS SLIP PAST THE SUREST SHIELD TO OVERWHELM THE FIERCEST AND THE FASTEST OF HER FOES WHEREFORE SHE RIGHTLY BEARS THE ATTIC HELM IN PEACE HER SOFT VOICE SINGS US SONGS SO SWEET YET SWEETER STILL THE BAKE-MEATS OF HER FEAST HER HAND INSCRIBES OUR CHARTER FAIR AND NEAT WHEREFORE SHE BEARS THE DRAGON OF THE FAR EAST IN LABOR LONG FOR ALL OUR BARONY SHE GIVES US FAITHFUL SERVICE NIGHT AND DAY WITHOUT HER WORK OUR SHIRE WOULD SCARCELY BE WHEREFORE SHE BEARS THE ORDER OF THE BOUGET AND LASTLY, THIS KIND LADY WE MUST CALL FOR COURTESY THE FLOWER OF US ALL * Nobody's Squire Now (Words .. Lady Brynna of Aelfstanbury) (Tune .. Nobodys Maugey) Somebody's Squire By The Side Of The Field Somebody's Squire Who Held When He Should Yield Someones Favorite Red Belt Got Knocked Clean Out Of Sight When He Ran On To The Field And Offered Challange To A Knight Yesterday He Fought And Slayed In His Fighter's Paradise Smashing Shields And Bashing Helms And Never Thinking Twice Now He's Nothing But A Pile Of Scrap That Don't Smell Very Nice He's Nobody's Squire Now Now You That Have A Squire, Be Sure To Hold Him In Don't Let Him Argue With A Knight, That Knight Is Bound To Win And If On The Tourney Field, You Let Him Run Amuck Well My Friend, I'm Warning You, He'll Be S*&% Out Of Luck If You Let Him Take Bearkiller On, I'm Afraid That Will Be That You'll Hear One Last Beserker Yell, Then A Loud Resounding Splat And Your Squire Will Be Slightly Dead And Very, Very Flat He's Nobody's Squire (And He'll Never Get No Higher) He's Nobody's Squire Now * Squire Malone (Words by .. Lady Brynna of Aelfstanbury) (Tune .. Molly Malone) When Warriors Praise Rightly Those Deeds Brave And Knightly There's None Can Compare To Young Squire Malone For He Showed No Fear At Pennsic Last Year When He Held The Bridge All Alone, Alone-O Alone, Alone-O, Alone, Alone-O When He Held The Bridge Alone, Alone-O For The King Had A Plan That None Could Withstand It Required One Fighter To Stand In The Breach Our Young Squire Stood Forth For All He Was Worth And Said "I'll Hold The Bridge All Alone", Alone-O Alone, Alone-O, Alone, Alone-O When He Held The Bridge Alone, Alone-O So He Stood His Ground While His Army 'Crept Round To Attack From The Rear According To Plan But Malone Paid The Cost As His Shield Arm He Lost For He Was Outnumbered, Alone, Alone-O Alone, Alone-O, Alone, Alone-O When He Held The Bridge Alone, Alone-O Then A Polearm Came Thrusting His Helm Nearly Bursting And That Was The End Of Brave Squire Malone His King Won The Battle But His Wits Were Rattled Swore He'd Fight No More Armies Alone, Alone-O Alone, Alone-O, Alone, Alone-O When He Held The Bridge Alone, Alone-O *

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