The Rocky Horror Star Trek Show ::: ::: with..

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::: The Rocky Horror Star Trek Show ::: ::: with... ::: ::: Audience Participation ::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Props: Phaser set to kill Dilithium Crystals Heavy Water Toilet Paper (preferably 1st Season scripts) Life-size dummy of Wesley Plots Antacid General Info: Audience instructions are in square brackets. Whenever Picard appears or is wishy-washy in some way, the audience screams "Fuck the Prime Directive!" Whenever Tasha Yar slumps out of a seldomly opened storage compartment, yodel "Dead!" Dr. Crusher may have her wig insulted or be referred to as "Captain's Meat!" SYNDICATION/MY NEW FEATURE ["Graphics!" until intro starts] Picard's Lips: These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's-- {The familiar ILM killer starfield suddenly flickers and blips out. All that's left is a black background with Picard's huge lips speaking} Goddamn Cray junk! Oops, er... Roddenberry was ill The day the ratings stood still, And His Series was summarliy canned. ["Screw NBC!"] And Bill Shatner was grim, In ads for margarine ["Overacting!"] And Nimoy's albums were commercially panned. ["His poetry sucks! Along came "Genesis ["Nice graphics!"] II", It too was given the screw ["Hey Counselor Troi!"] And poor old Gene no longer felt ["His wife!"] like a man. One night tripping on mace, He realized outer space ["Sit on a studio exec's face!"] Was the place all of his fortunes began... ["Lucky shot!"] Chorus: Syndication, ["Dough dough dough"] my new feature, ["Bucks bucks bucks"] My wife Majel ["Bagel bagel bagel"] looks like the Creature. Androids thinking ["And boinking!" "And dinking!"] about life's meaning. ["Fully functional!"] A whole new series ["Not really!"] With Commie leanings Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh At the primetime ["How's it distributed!?"], syndicated, picture show. {Fade to commercial} {Fade up, the bridge, Picard is absent, Wesley is surreptitious ly undoing a yeo"man"'s uniform with a new device concealed in his braces. Party streamers are everywhere} Troi: Wasn't the Brobdingnagian joining ceremony beautiful? ["Shrink that dress!"] Worf: I was not amused when the Brobdingnagian ambassador used me to pick his teeth clean. ["Spinehead!"] Yeoman Deedee: Oh Wes, [Kick the dummy] thank you ["For your zit cream!"] for letting me come with you. I plan to pursue my studies in alien mating rituals ["Lick Worf's nose!"], and this ceremony was a fantastic chance to learn. {She notices her uniform is sliding off, sharply yanks it back up. Wes screams as 3 incisors pop out of his mouth} Wes: ["What do you say when you have to save the ship?"] No problem. PEEPEE DEEDEE Wes: Hey Deedee? ["Is that a warp nacelle in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"] Deedee: Yes Wes? Wes: I've got something to stammer. Deedee: >Burp< Wes: I really love the...["Be technical!"] sinusoidal way...["What a poet!"] your body parts move...["Do you like guys?"] It makes me glad I'm not gay. ["Gutless writers!"] I wish I would go through puberty. ["Deedee!"] I'd say "Son of a bitch!" not "Peepee!" ["Deedee!"] So please let me have a looksee. ["Deedee!"] I've one thing to say and that's Peepee! Deedee! Let me see! People tell me I'm smart but too geeky. ["Deedee!"] I've only seen naked girls 'cause I'm sneaky. ["Deedee!"] Oh please, won't you give me a peaky? ["Deedee!"] I've one thing to say and that's Peepee! Deedee! Let me see! [sing "Ferengis douche with DDT!"] Here's a new form of life that I just made. I played in the lab a tad; ["With yourself!?"] Wanna bet before long it gets laid? ["Not like somebody!"] Oh, D-E-E-D-EE I need it bad! ["Talk to Guinan!"] Deedee: Oh, your hormones are certainly a mess! ["Oh Wes!"] But I doubt you'll get me out of my dress. ["Oh Wes!"] You'll die from this sexual stress. ["Oh Wes!"] I've one thing to say and that's Wes, pest, get off me! [sing "Tellites like to pork in trees!"] Oh, Wes.... {Further singing is cut off as Riker drop-kicks Deedee so the orders he's been screaming for the last 10 minutes can be heard} Riker: Data ["Ate-A Yar!"], are there any Federation Starbases out this far? Data: Negative, commander. And it will be difficult to repair the warp nacelle flat we incurred in dropping off the Brobdingnagians without outside help. {Cue ominous music. There is a flash of lightning on the main viewscreen, and eerily silhouetted is some kind of huge, ancient starbase] Geordi: Commander, I'm reading ["No you're not! You're blind!"] very high power levels from that thing. Troi: ["Who stinks in bed?"] Commander, I sense multiple ["Orgasms!"] presences inside the object. Riker: Opinions? [Here's a chance to be witty yourself.] Data: As I stated, repairs cannot be effected with our resources alone. Riker: Very well then. Ensign Crusher ["MOMMY!"], put us next to the object, then report to the ["Bed!"] transporter room with yeoman Deedee. Your singing stinks, so you get to go. {Cut to airlock of alien starbase, Wes and Deedee finish beaming over. In front of them is a gigantic oaken door, and on it a huge knocker. Wes begins frantically banging it since the airlock is broken and they're asphyxiating} Traveller: ["Make hell a two syllable word!"] Hello. Wes: Hi! My name is Wesley Crusher ["Diaper-boy!"], and this is a sexist character, Yeoman Deedee ["Don't touch!"]. I wonder if you could help us. You see, our starship broke down a few parsecs up the galactic lane...do you have a subspace radio we might use? Traveller: You're suffocating. ["Let 'em!"] Deedee: {croaking} Yes--there's no air. Wes: Hhhhhhhhhhh.... Traveller: I think you'd better both come inside. {They go inside. The place looks like what would happen if Hieronymous Bosch dropped acid and took control of the Holodeck} Deedee: I think I liked it better when you were trying to get in my uniform on the bridge. ["So did Wes!"] Greena: {Kinky Orion slave girl} I liked it, he liked it, we all liked it! THE TIME WARP Traveller: ["How big is William Shatner's ego?"] It's astounding; Plots are fleeting; Reruns, take their toll. But watch the viewscreen... Greena: Not for very much longer. Traveller: I've got the ["Andorean clap!"] remote control. {At this point, everything goes apeshit, every nasty, grubby alien from all the exceptionally vile races pops out of hiding and gets hip} IT"S A COP-OUT! USING A TIME WARP! Wrecking, those moments when; An episode worked well... Traveller & Greena: Then it went all to helllll.... Grubby aliens: DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Me: Just slingshot to the left. All: And Warp 8 to the rii ii iii ii ii iight! Me: Your head will be cleft. ["Klingon sex!"] All: Unless you hold on tiiiii iii iight! But it's the vectored thruuu uuu uuust That helps you visit the Plei ei eii eiiistocene! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! DON'T USE A TIME-WARP AGAAIIIINNN! Wes: This is getting too self-referential. Deedee: Wes, say something. ["Immature!"] Wes: Two to beam aboard. Now. NOW!! {Banging his emblem has no effect except to make his chest swell, which does help him look more manly} {Cut to wrought iron turbolift, we see a foot clad in those funky jet boots from Star Trek V purposefully keeping time} Deedee: Look, if you get them to help us out, I'll let you run your hands through my ["Calc homework!"] underwear drawer. Wes: I'm here-there's nothing to ["Turn you on!"] worry about. {Music H-bomb goes off} {Turbolift stops at level of main hall everyone is in. Wrought iron doors whoosh open improbably. Out minces a Tellarite wearing jet boots and a leather teddy. It's bad enough to make you puke. Deedee and Wes do. The Tellarite's name is, of course, Frank} Frank: How do you do, I See you've met my Quirky alien. He's just a little bent, ["To the left!"] Beacuse, when you were sent, he Thought you were travel agents. Don't get grossed out by the way that I smell! Given time I'm sure you all will recover. I'm not much like a man by the light of day, ["Neither's Wes!"] At night my BO makes me quick to discover! I'M JUST A SICK TEL-LA-RITE, Grubby aliens: Sick Tel-la-rite...oooooo Frank: FROM A PANSEXUAL, LOST COLONY-AHHHH, HAH HAH! Let me show you my place, {To Wesley} Maybe grow you a face, You both look like you're ["Expendable!"] evolved from apes. Or if you want something visual ["More battle scenes!"] That's really abysmal, We could go take in the "Questor Tapes." Wes: I'm glad you hated that show, Could we use your subspace radio? My biological clock's in a bit of a hurry. We'll just report our trip, And beam back to the ship. This pain in my crotch makes me worry. Frank: So your nacelle's got a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, fleshbags, don't you panic, He could rebuild your ship, for some scotch and a tip I'll get you a Highlandic Mechanic! I'M JUST A SICK TEL-LA-RITE, ["Boom chika boom chika boom!"] Grubby aliens: Sick Tel-la-rite...oooooo Frank: FROM A PANSEXUAL, LOST COLONY-AHHHH, HAH HAH! Why don't you stay at our base, Traveller: Base! Frank: We have plenty of space, ["Sucky pun!"] Greena: Space! Frank: I could show you my plot-rehash obsession. ["Naked Now!"] I've been remaking a god With laurel wreathes and a bod, And he's good at Greek... impressions. I'M JUST A SICK TEL-LA-RITE, ["We know already."] FROM A PANSEXUAL, LOST COLONY-AHHHH, HAH HAH! So--beam up to my john ["No toilets on the bridge!"] It's been hours since you've gone I see you shiver with consti--["WIPE IT!"] pation. BUT MAYBE THIS PLOT ["You call this a plot!?"] Isn't all that I've got. So just initial this clause And we'll go the distance. Deedee: ["What do you say when Worf punches out Wesley?"] Thank you. Wes: ["What do you say when your mom leaves for Starfleet HQ?"] Thank you very much. {Aside to Deedee} We'd better get out of here NOW. I think I might have left some Nanites in Data's underwear ["They'll have to fight it out with Tasha!"]. To be continued....